Dawdling in Pharm land.

It’s Friday; an overcast, slower than usual, quiet Friday. This morning has felt different. I don’t know if it’s the weather, lack of sleep, or just the last day of the week, but I feel out of sorts. My alarm sounded louder and more interrupting than usual, my coffee didn’t give me the boost it normally does, and the lyrics of the songs playing in the background of my work station only seem to pull me deeper into my sullen stupor.

I had extra time this morning, something that never happens. I’m usually in a rush to make my protein packed kale, banana, chia, yogurt, whey, blah blah blah smoothie, wash it down with a cup of coffee, take a shower, somehow manage to make it to the gym, then get ready and be somewhat presentable for my laid back, awesome, totally manageable 10 hour a day job. But today is different, I skipped my smoothie, I didn’t think twice about going to the gym (probably as a result of my muscles begging for mercy), but I felt different than I have in a long time. For the first time in a long time (due to my few extra minutes) I was able to stop and feel what I’ve been too busy to let unfold. I’ve been grieving. Grieving the loss of friends who seemed to have disappeared when I needed them most, I’m grieving the loss of hope that I’ll one day have babies with my prince charming, I’m grieving the loss of precious time I’ve spent grieving. I’m going in circles. I’m spending time being sad, and I’m sad because I’m spending my time this way. I know I’m not alone; I know most adults feel like their days all seem the same, that they all seem like one long, monotonous day.

Luckily, I caught myself this afternoon. I was visited by one of the friends I have missed so terribly, one of my favorite songs came on just as I was at the bottom of my low today, and I had the opportunity to laugh until I cried with my boss whom I spend 90% of my time with (someone who would do anything for me). I had an epiphany, all of these wonderful things that happened this afternoon are unfolding and blossoming right before my eyes all the time. Seeing them, being present, and cherishing these moments is a conscious choice. It’s a choice that we need to constantly remind ourselves to do or we’ll get caught in the dreaded “poor me” life that so many people live in. It’s scary to think of how many beautiful things we let pass us by by sinking in our chairs waiting for time to pass just to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day.

I’ve always been a bit of an optimist. I’ve always believed in the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow at the end of the storm, and the lessons we realize we’ve learned after all trials have ceased. I got to a point where those little silver linings almost disappeared. But I strongly believe I’m coming out of the tunnel, that I can see that rainbow, and that I’m realizing all of these tests were just that; lessons to be learned. People come and go, as do opportunities to laugh, cry, and learn. So let’s enjoy them while they are here, right in front of us, in the now. How can we make wonderful memories if we’re not even there. It’s so important, I’ll say to take a step forward instead of a step back, into what we are missing. I think the more conscious we are and the more effort we put into being aware of our absence in our own lives and changing it, the more beautiful life is going to seem; because it is. It really really is.

 

“The time has come for me to change again
I can’t carry on like this, I will lose my friends
don’t say that you have given up on me
Just give me the time and space to heal my head
Some people say that I’m not worth it
I’ve made mistakes but nobody’s perfect
I guess I’ll give it a try”

James Morrison – One Last Try