Prana

Disclaimer: I haven’t written in a while so I apologize.

Today was busy, but no busier than any other day. I took the twins for a walk with our dear friends, took a LONG drive home so naps were even an option, then played outside until we all crashed.

We all slept until about 5, a good half hour after my husband gets home and he decided we should probably get up (he was right, but don’t tell him that). I had planned all day to go to Yin Yoga; a meditative yoga class I regularly attend, but hadn’t in a couple of weeks. I thought “I don’t have to go, we can go for a walk, that will clear my mind enough”. But just as soon as I thought that, I knew how much my mind, body and soul needed the serene atmosphere, the soft voice of my instructor continually helping guide me back to my place of stillness, and just the time to be myself. So I gathered my things and set off. I left way too early, but it ended up giving me enough time to center and ground myself before the class began.

I’ve had moments when a meditation or restorative class has benefited me immensely and other days I’ve left just wishing I could have turned my mind off for just THAT hour.

Tonight was different; I was able to fully envelop myself in the peace that I so longed for. Again, even just an hour.

My instructor used a word tonight; I mean, I like words. So learning more about Reiki and Chakras and the terms used within the practice enhances my experience. The word she used was “Prana”. I remember thinking I’ve heard it before but never really knew what it meant until tonight. I was able to drive home and really reflect on how simple a word and its definition can be and still be so powerful.

I googled it the minute I came home and as I expected I found words like “life force” and “energy”. What I took away from it, was the shift in energy within. A change you can feel once you’re fully submerged in the moment. It’s amazing how infrequently we feel this. We should be feeling this all the time. There is absolutely nothing like being connected; mind, body, and soul and shifting all the negative, frustrated and overwhelmed energy, to just freedom. Freedom of the mind, freedom of pain, freedom from worry. That energy can so easily, if we take the time, change from overwhelming and stressful to serene. We just need to be still. Even for just a few moments.

As my instructor says every class “the present moment is the only place that life exists”.

 

A somber morning.

I am not sure what brings me here so much lately; perhaps it is the longing for a real friendship, one without boundaries. A friend who will snuggle up with you and just be there without needing to say a single word. I long for the two sweet souls I never got to meet or tell them how deeply loved and wanted they were. I somehow how have to accept that they were with me and only me, and felt nothing but warmth and love even if it was only for a short time. I long to make my children happy and seem to fail miserably every day.

I understand that life throws us things and we are supposed to be standing up and throwing things right back. Some days our arms feel like they weigh so much we couldn’t possibly. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on our shoulders and we feel we could collapse at any moment. 

I long for the people who make me laugh so hard I cry, I long for my family, I long for myself. 

Alone is a scary place to be. You can be surrounded by people and feel as though no one can see or hear you. Even if you are screaming at the top of your lungs. It has got to be the loneliest feeling in the entire world. 

And when we are here, what can be done? We could read, we could sing, we could cry, we could pretend everything is okay. But it’s not. This is what it is, and where do we go from here?

Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

It’s March 4, 2017 9:52am. It’s an unimaginably cold morning. My sweet babies, who have been cursed with yet another winter plague are snoozing away in their cribs, and Matt is out running errands.

I’m sitting on the couch trying get comfortable, which seems completely impossible because of this fever I’ve been clobbered by this morning. 

I’m alone; a time that is so necessary, but can sometimes be the most frightening, anxiety provoking, just overall sad place. Not always, but I can feel myself heading there. Just hoping someone will wake up or come home.

Anyway, I’m doing what most people do when they’re bored and alone. The most monotonous, useless, complete waste of time; Facebook. 

I hate it, but I can’t look away. I keep scrolling and I can feel that pit in my stomach growing so big I can almost feel it in my throat.

I’m seeing engagements, births, happy couples, trips to some of the most beautiful places on earth. And here I sit, alone, scrolling through a device that has only monetary value, and the ability to completely demolish my heart and soul. 

I sit here and see those posts and I think to myself how lucky they are; how lucky that they’re so happy, how lucky they are to announce a pregnancy, how just so perfectly lucky they are. And I start to sink. Most of me wishes I could be even remotely that lucky. The rest knows deep down, I mean so deep it scares me I won’t find it, that I’m lucky too. 

I see baby bumps; ones that would about match the size of mine if I hadn’t lost my miracle almost a month ago. Those posts rip the bandaid off and I find myself hurting so badly and praying for it to stop, once again. 

I see mothers who could rule the world and still be the best mom under the sun. And some days I feel I’ll never be half the mother they are. 

I see active people with muscles I used to have. I see hikers, skiers, and runners all getting out and doing what they love. And again, I’m here. Sitting alone. Just existing. 

But I continuously, and I mean all. the. time. need to close social media and remind myself that just because my track record (other than my beautiful miracles I am thankful for every day) I will likely never bring another child into this world, with a healthy, problem free, active pregnancy, or even at all. I try to remind myself that it doesn’t make me any less of a woman. 

I need to remind myself that Facebook doesn’t show the tears and sleepless nights every mother has. I need to remember that to Sidney and Eliza, I am Mama, and I am enough.

I need to also keep in mind I AM active. I can run, jump, lift, row, bike, and more. Not today, not yesterday, or even the day before that, because of working to help support my family, being a mother, and more. I go and give it my all when I can, and that’s okay. 

We are so hard on ourselves; we let everyone else’s social media highlight reel fool us into thinking their lives are perfect and ours are far less than. 

Our lives are our lives; our lives are the people we make smile during the day, the jokes we make, the joy we offer, the smiles, the tears, the laughter, and the love. 

Do yourself a favor, and I am too; turn off the phone and live your life. It’s not perfect but it’s no less than the person whose post made you feel inferior. We need to detox from social media and live in “real life”. There is so much for us to appreciate, and we can’t when we are being blinded by words and pictures on our screens. 

We are people; important, loved, smart, funny, and we are not less than. We are us. 

This was mostly just my mind wandering, but if it can help even one other person, I’m glad I rambled. 

“You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” -Kathryn Stockett

Sweet Epiphanies

Today, and not even the whole thing, is guaranteed. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is never promised.

We know to live for today. We hear it every single day. “Be present”, they say, “deep breaths”. Do we listen? Sometimes perhaps. Most of the time though, no, no we do not. We live for the future. Working our jobs, cleaning our homes, taking care of our bodies; all to prepare for what is not even certain. Not to say that those are not things we should do, because they are. But taking a look at the big picture (whatever that even means), are those things really us? And if not, what is? What makes us burn, love, feel, live? Epiphanies.

Today was no different than any other day. You kissed me goodbye just as the sun was rising from it’s slumber, just like you. I clung to your neck saying nothing but “it’s Saturday, it’s our day.” Knowing all too well my words could not stop you from doing what you had to do. So I waited; I had some coffee, exercised, had some lunch, and played with our fur family until I finally heard the key in the doorknob and as it slowly turned, my heart skipped a beat. Something that does not happen as often as I would like but I indulged in every second of excitement. You were home. It was our day now. But as usual, we had places to go, people to see, things to celebrate but all of those things are worth doing, especially when it is with you. You, with the bright blue eyes that captivate me every time I delve deep into them.

It was a night of celebration, our family just expanded by one and then some and what a cause for celebration that is.

As we wrap up our dinner and dessert, our side splitting laughter, have hugged and kissed everyone we hold so dear until next time. I look to you, the one with the eyes that I love so truly. Those eyes are tired, they have been for weeks. You have worked physically and emotionally, day in and day out, through your dreams, during your treks to and from all the places you go. As we get into the car and settle into our two hour car ride I see you begin to fade. Those eyes slowly drooping, your breathing becoming slower, and I watch as you can not fight anymore and sleep takes you away from me. But not entirely. I begin to look at you; trace your eyelids and your eyelashes, your nose, your lips, your chin with my finger tips. I am almost instantly flooded with emotion; Love to be exact. Love is all I felt, the kind that brings you to your knees, the kind that reminds you why you chose to spend your life with the beautiful soul sitting in front of you. I slowly slide over trying not to wake you, for you so deserve the deep sleep you have been drawn into. A sleep I have not seen you receive in far too long. So I take off my sweatshirt, bundle it into a pillow and slide it onto your lap where I inevitably lay my head in such content words could never describe. I do not need the sweatshirt anymore; I am near you. You keep me warm; not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, and any other way possible. The warmth of your skin on mine, the warmth of your fingers as I lace mine between them, the warmth of your steady breath on my neck. I feel the rise and fall of your belly, and with every cycle I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. That breath and your heartbeat; the very essence of  your being. The breath that gives you the ability to say “I love you” the heartbeat to feel when I say “And boy do I love you”. I am at peace. It is you. My life, the whole thing, is you.

You are pure magnificence in all of your simplicity. You are strong, intelligent, funny, loving, sensitive, and so purely you, and I just love you.

“I am, because we are.”

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Dawdling in Pharm land.

It’s Friday; an overcast, slower than usual, quiet Friday. This morning has felt different. I don’t know if it’s the weather, lack of sleep, or just the last day of the week, but I feel out of sorts. My alarm sounded louder and more interrupting than usual, my coffee didn’t give me the boost it normally does, and the lyrics of the songs playing in the background of my work station only seem to pull me deeper into my sullen stupor.

I had extra time this morning, something that never happens. I’m usually in a rush to make my protein packed kale, banana, chia, yogurt, whey, blah blah blah smoothie, wash it down with a cup of coffee, take a shower, somehow manage to make it to the gym, then get ready and be somewhat presentable for my laid back, awesome, totally manageable 10 hour a day job. But today is different, I skipped my smoothie, I didn’t think twice about going to the gym (probably as a result of my muscles begging for mercy), but I felt different than I have in a long time. For the first time in a long time (due to my few extra minutes) I was able to stop and feel what I’ve been too busy to let unfold. I’ve been grieving. Grieving the loss of friends who seemed to have disappeared when I needed them most, I’m grieving the loss of hope that I’ll one day have babies with my prince charming, I’m grieving the loss of precious time I’ve spent grieving. I’m going in circles. I’m spending time being sad, and I’m sad because I’m spending my time this way. I know I’m not alone; I know most adults feel like their days all seem the same, that they all seem like one long, monotonous day.

Luckily, I caught myself this afternoon. I was visited by one of the friends I have missed so terribly, one of my favorite songs came on just as I was at the bottom of my low today, and I had the opportunity to laugh until I cried with my boss whom I spend 90% of my time with (someone who would do anything for me). I had an epiphany, all of these wonderful things that happened this afternoon are unfolding and blossoming right before my eyes all the time. Seeing them, being present, and cherishing these moments is a conscious choice. It’s a choice that we need to constantly remind ourselves to do or we’ll get caught in the dreaded “poor me” life that so many people live in. It’s scary to think of how many beautiful things we let pass us by by sinking in our chairs waiting for time to pass just to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day.

I’ve always been a bit of an optimist. I’ve always believed in the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow at the end of the storm, and the lessons we realize we’ve learned after all trials have ceased. I got to a point where those little silver linings almost disappeared. But I strongly believe I’m coming out of the tunnel, that I can see that rainbow, and that I’m realizing all of these tests were just that; lessons to be learned. People come and go, as do opportunities to laugh, cry, and learn. So let’s enjoy them while they are here, right in front of us, in the now. How can we make wonderful memories if we’re not even there. It’s so important, I’ll say to take a step forward instead of a step back, into what we are missing. I think the more conscious we are and the more effort we put into being aware of our absence in our own lives and changing it, the more beautiful life is going to seem; because it is. It really really is.

 

“The time has come for me to change again
I can’t carry on like this, I will lose my friends
don’t say that you have given up on me
Just give me the time and space to heal my head
Some people say that I’m not worth it
I’ve made mistakes but nobody’s perfect
I guess I’ll give it a try”

James Morrison – One Last Try

Speak your truth quietly and clearly

Ah, my very first blog post. I’ve typed, backspaced, typed again, inserted words, and then deleted the entire thing again but I think I have my thoughts in order enough to type a somewhat logical, comprehensible, borderline intriguing first blog. Your first one should be something you feel strongly about right? Yeah, I thought so too. Problem is for me, there are many of those things. But, here goes nothing.

Think of someone, I don’t care who it is; A friend, a family member, a lover, your favorite author, someone from your dreams, anyone. Chances are whoever you chose, has made some sort of impact on your life (positively and/or negatively) whether you know them personally, over the internet, or through their writings. Take a minute and think of them positively, think of why they mean what they do to you. As memories and happy thoughts race through your mind I’m sure at some point like the tide, those happy feelings and memories start to recede, and the wave of reality crashes into you; I mean really hits you, that right under the rib, hurts so bad you can’t breathe and it leaves you with a lump in your throat kind of blow. The pain that comes from caring for someone, and having endless “remember that time” stories, memories of laughter, and so on, ending. You’re now thinking of all the pain and anguish that followed all of the wonderful things I just told you to think about.

The point? This person meant something to you, maybe a little, maybe a lot; But they hurt you, deeply. So deeply that when you see them you look the other way and try as hard as you can to block out any and every ounce of memory you have of them. The question? Do you forgive them, do you let them back into your life, is it worth staying angry forever?

My answers to those questions are yes, yes, and no. It seems to be a universal thought that strength is being able to hold a grudge and wait for the other person to break first. The really sad part about that is sometimes neither person let’s go and you spend forever angry at someone, and for what? To prove who was stronger? No, I don’t think so. I think true strength is forgiveness. It takes a lot of self acceptance and a lot of learning that “no one is perfect” to just let go. See their hurtful words, hateful actions, and piercing silence as the result of pain. They may think you’ve hurt them, where you’re thinking no, THEY hurt ME. It’s a vicious cycle and if you spend your entire life ignoring each other, how will you ever know what one another’s true intentions were? Maybe you both truly meant well and you said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Life is too short. Forgive like you’ve never been betrayed, give like you’ve never been stolen from, and most importantly love like you’ve never been hurt. You never know if and when you’ll see that person, that one who meant so much to you, again.

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.”

Desiderata – Max Ehrmann