Lightning Flashed, Everything Went Silent…

This is something I have been trying to bring myself to do for weeks. I need to write. I need to find something to free the thoughts inside just long enough for my mind to fill right back up again. I have no hopes of this being poetic or well written at all; I’ll probably edit over and over and eventually delete this useless sentence.

Nothing about this blog post is going to be bright and sunny, the article is my biggest and deepest fear becoming reality.

It was Friday afternoon. I was 24 hours post-op. I was exhausted but no matter how many times I tried to nap, I kept jolting awake. I finally gave up and checked my phone. It was a familiar message; one I’d gotten many times before. It was a message from my sister saying someone my dad or “Abby” worked with had reached out. They were worried because Abby hadn’t been to work in a few days.

Let me rewind a bit; Abby is what we’ve all learned over the last year and a half or so to call the person we used to call “Adam” or “Daddy”. It’s a long and personal story, yet the validity of it is real and important.

Back to the message. My sister and I had talked about how this had happened before and historically things had been okay. I have always just gone over and told Abby to turn the phone on or to pick it up if someone asked if everything was okay. We mulled over it for ten minutes or so and we had agreed it was probably okay and decided not to. Until that decision didn’t feel right anymore. I had an overwhelming feeling that things were NOT okay. Come to find out, Michaela had the same feeling and was going to go over after she finished what she was doing. I hobbled to the car and drove and told my sister I was going to go check in, I made my way to the door and I knocked.

The building felt eerie; it didn’t feel warm and cozy. It felt cold. It was June. I knocked. I said “Abby, it’s Bree” and again “Abby, it’s Bree”. To which I was usually responded to with a “come on in, hon” or a “hang on a sec!”. It was silent. Somehow even with my hands shaking and hardly able to grip a key, I did. I opened that door I had opened so many times before. The bells on the knob jingled. I opened it and it felt empty. There had always been a Yankee Candle burning and music playing. It was quiet. It was dark. It was empty. Subconsciously I knew what was going on. However, in the present moment all I could think to do was to get to the chair where Abby would often fall asleep. I rushed over, somehow not even seeing that the apartment was a disaster and things were not in their place. I went to reach for the arm I had held my entire life and I stopped. I stopped because I knew in an instant, this wasn’t asleep. This had happened. From there, I can only tell you what happened in broken pieces. At the moment, the only thing I absorbed was observing a note I had written, it was delicately laying in my dad’s hand. I rushed out and somehow called 911. I didn’t know what to do. They asked me if I could do CPR and I said I told them it would do more harm than good, something I had to repeat over and over again because the dispatcher was having a difficult time piecing together what I was saying between sobs. The police showed up, the paramedics went in and came back out almost just as fast, I watched them nod to the police and walk away. In that instant it was real. I dropped to my knees. It didn’t matter that I had seen it with my own eyes, I was just in such shock and disbelief. That was the moment my world stopped turning and hasn’t yet started back up again. Outside of our family and close friends, nothing has changed. For me, I’m in either that moment or one of thousands of moments I had with my dad.

Disclosing such a personal story has a dual two purpose; one, to get my thoughts on paper. The other reason is to possibly save someone from going through the same thing. For me to think that my story is profound that it put an end to suicide would be juvenile and unrealistic. These things happen to people every. single. day.

I am sitting here hardly able to type, I can’t see past the tears in my eyes. But I’ll continue to write because this is fucking important.

Abby was a lot of things in all these decades on this planet; son, brother, grandson, husband, father, grandfather, and no less important, at the end of her life, a woman. A proud one, but a deeply sad one all at the same time. A sadness that I need to stress was not in any way related to a lack of support or openness for her to be herself. It was something deep inside that lived there forever. It was an emptiness that couldn’t be filled with any one occupation, person, substance, or even identity.

There were a lot of happy times, and there were a lot of sad times. We all go through things and because we’re all different, certain things affect us individually. There was something deeply rooted in Abby that I need to make sure the people who loved her or “Adam” need to know. This is no one’s fault. I blame myself everyday but I have to stop. Suicide is such a strong word. It holds so much depth and so much heaviness. It’s almost a word you hate to use. But it’s something someone does to themselves. You can’t blame yourself. So don’t, please don’t.

What I need other people feeling this sadness, much like myself, is that this ends. Nothing is permanent and EVERYTHING can be fixed. It may not seem like it. You may curse the world and scream at the wind every single day, just like I do right now. But if you want to fix it, tell someone. All you may need is someone to listen, but people can’t help you if they don’t know. Talk to people. Most importantly remember that you are loved beyond measure by so many. Because you are so loved, your disappearance would shake the world. Your life makes a difference. Your life does matter. Suicide eliminates any tiny chance of things getting better. It deprives you of another sunrise, a hot cup of coffee, and an “I love” you from your family. It widows husbands and wives, leaves children without their parents, coworkers without the person who brightens everyone’s day, friends wondering why, what and how. It will forever brand the people in your life. It will wake them in the middle of the night, the what ifs will never stop, the missing you is forever.

Please tell people how you are feeling, and often. If you need help or sense someone needs you, pick up that phone. You are not alone. Ever.

When You Change With Every New Day, Still I’m Gonna Miss You..

Today was I day that I knew I could try to prepare for, but was also aware that the truth was I never really could.

Today we made a trip up behind your old stomping grounds. We pushed through brush, trudged through mud and pouring rain. There were dead trees and old stumps with new life growing out of them; which seemed beautiful in the moment of sadness.

We arrived on Porcupine Hill; the place you spent your childhood, your adolescence and your your adulthood. I remember happy treks up through the woods and standing on the rocks looking out at the great expanse with my best friend by my side, my Daddy. I remember using broken tree limbs as hiking sticks, I remember you finding the highest rock and howling in the wind. I never thought one day we would stand on the top of that hill and watch your ashes fly away with the breeze. It was a moment of feeling like you’d left us, but a moment of simultaneously knowing you were finally free.

Today won’t be my last time on Porcupine Hill. I will visit for the rest of my days.

I wrote a journal entry last night and read it to you and our family. It was hard to get the words out between the heartbreak, the aching in my belly, and the wind and rain, but I did. I did, and I know you heard them.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

I want to write this blog tonight. I want to write it so badly. I’m typing in hopes of some epiphany or for my writers block to lift and I’ll be able to write about the things I really want to. There are many things I want to write about and talk to people about. Whether it’s the weather, family, friends, if the world is really round, what if we were dreaming the lives we’re living now. There are SO many things that go through my mind in a day and I just want to talk to people about everything.

There’s one thing in particular; something very heavy on my mind and in my heart tonight. And because I know that no one is going to ever fully understand what I’m saying, they’re never going to feel what I’m feeling right now, they’ll never know what it’s like to say goodbye to someone who changed my life forever. Maybe they’ll experience them in different forms with different people. But not many will experience letting go of a person like this. Because there’s only one of them. There will never be another one of them. This person captivated my heart and soul and flipped my entire world upside down. They completely changed my view of the world; they made me really tap into what happens in our lives every single day. I’m talking right down the the clicking of the keyboard and trying to find a rhythm. Or the sound of the washing machine whirring, and what a strange sound it is when you really stop and listen. The animals of the night beginning to stir. The cars that go by. The sound of my babies sleeping soundly. I have been programmed to go through each day and just get through it. Well not anymore. Not after them.

It was a cold, dreary day in early March. I had only been at my job about a month or so. I knew I liked everyone, but otherwise had no idea what I was doing. What I did know, is that my life outside of work was a hurricane. Work was my safe zone. Work was where I knew I’d be too busy to think about it or talk about it. No one at my new job knew anything about what was going on in my life and to me, it felt like freedom. But this particular day; I woke up sad, angry, confused, and battling with myself about how I was handling the situation, how I was handling my life. I broke down and just didn’t have the energy to fight myself or anyone else anymore. I gave in. And when I gave in, threw in the towel, accepted defeat; I cried. I cried and I cried, All at this new job. This new job I valued, around the people I was trying to get to know. No one really said much. No one really knew me. So I walked around the building. I walked through the different practices until I went down one particular hallway. I walked down this hallway with tears pouring down my face, unable to catch my breath. Really unable to do anything but cry. As I was walking I heard a chair roll and out came this person; this person I had seen around and laughed with a couple of times, but not someone I knew anything about. He stopped me when he said “Bree! Come in, I think I have something that will help”. So I walked into his tiny closet of an office, still blubbering like a fool, wondering what he could possibly have to make this better. He reached into a drawer and in a thick Irish accent said “would you like a mint?” and I paused. My response through the sobs was “a mint?!” and he responded “oh yes, you can talk about anything over a mint. And a mint just makes you feel better anyway.” I was intrigued instantly. I’m not sure if it was his demeanor, his confidence, his obvious empathy, or his totally awesome accent. probably a bit of all of those things. He began walking with me and he began to tell me:

“I don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t have to tell me. But I will say that whatever it is, if your heart is open and kind, you can walk away with you’re head held high knowing you’re a good person because love and kindness always win.”

I put the mint in my mouth; I looked at him for a moment and I just remember feeling overwhelmed by the way he said it. Something so simple, yet so profound. I suddenly felt a light. I felt the darkness leave. I felt like a good person. In that moment I could reflect and know I am kind, I am loving, my soul is good. It was amazing how in just a few moments, this person went from a complete stranger, to someone who changed my entire perspective on how I viewed my life.

Time went on and I really took to him and his colleague. I felt like one of them; A group of happy, honest, pure, good people. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months. I love these people. They pulled me through every single day without even knowing it. By telling me stories of 1970’s Ireland, making me laugh until my belly hurt, constant joy and happiness came from them. We felt like a trio. Never in my life have I trusted anyone as much as I did these two and I’d only known them a handful of months.

Through this time, this person reminded me, on days that felt a bit tainted in particular. Days that everyone seemed to be in a funk. He always said “Bree, you ARE the light in the dark places.” A saying I will never, ever forget.

I could go on and on and on about the stories, and the jokes, and the silliness. But what I’m saying is please remember to cherish the time you have with people. Never take a single day for granted. Especially if they make you feel as special as I did. I never thought a day would come that would remove a piece of our tribe. I really just never imagined the universe separating us after it had just brought us together. But alas, that day came. That day was today. I watched a person who literally saved and changed my life walk out the door. Not without leaving a note, a CD, and wishing me a “very Merry Christmas” though. No no, I’m kidding. I mean kind of, that’s actually what he said but he also bid me farewell. We spoke of making sure neither of us were ever to lose our “muchness” that we’ll only grow “much more muchier” as time goes on. Our time together was brief, but it was profound.

Long story short; when someone steps into your life and reminds you of what life and the world and everything around it, is truly about. And that’s Love. There is no other thing even remotely close to being as important as Love. Carry those people with you always. Listen to everything they have to say, because it may not seem like it, but it does end. Like all good things, it ends. Because it has to. These special people come into our lives when we need them. But that doesn’t always mean they’re here to stay. So listen, cherish, love. You never know when you’ll be sitting on your couch writing about them.

There’s certainly a void tonight. A void I know can never be filled. A void only time can help minimize the size of.

Go out in the world and “bring light into the dark places”, be kind, be giving, be real, be Love.

Never forget.

The Sun’s Risin’ Here in Memphis..

So I’ve been thinking about this all week. This nagging in the back of my mind telling me to write and I have fought it with every ounce of my being. That being said, I’ll preface with this; this post is going to be totally unorganized. Probably won’t be very exciting. May not make any sense at all. But please, if that was intriguing, continue.

I’m sitting here; the room feels cold, the rain is falling on the roof outside, my kids are sound asleep, Matt is away. I’m sitting here with with Brandi, Dave, and Jonnyswim playing in the background and each word is totally resonating. I smudged with sage trying to make all the “warm fuzzies” seem fuzzier, and hoped the sharp, overwhelming feelings I’ve been bottling up for months, would just go away. It’s helping, but I don’t know if anything other than writing it out is going to make it go away.

I don’t even know where to begin here. So many heavy things on my heart and I can’t choose which to begin with.

Maybe it’s giving love so freely. It’s hard, man. I won’t change it because it’s who I am, but I find myself disappointed continuously by the lack of return or paying it forward from other people. Not that the things I do or say are ever done with anticipation of recompense. I just find myself baffled constantly by how little people give love and even less, let love in. It’s sad. More than anything it’s heartbreaking because it’s not supposed to be like this. Why are we so hesitant to tell people the truth. How funny we think they are. How special we think they are. How lucky we are to know them. I suppose it’s fear, it’s scary to lay it all on the line. Not that I’m one to be giving advice on this, but I just feel like at the end of the day, I don’t want to leave things left unsaid or unclear. If you care enough to think it, you should say it. I mean that’s my motto, and I’m certainly not suggesting that my ways are best, quite opposite really. All I can think about is how many people I’ve lost for being honest. For being real. Maybe too real. And it’s just really really fucking sad.

My question is when do we stop trying for the wrong ones? The ones we know are no good for us in the long run but spark something in us and intrigue us so much that we can’t help but take the narcissism, the lies, the beautiful bullshit. When does that switch finally go off? The one that finally forces you to put your foot down, for God’s sake. Because this is crazy! Why for people who don’t benefit us? When do you know to give up, or do you? I just absolutely can not wrap my mind around the thought of not trying to salvage whatever is salvageable. Maybe it’s totally selfish. I make letting go far more difficult than I should.

Anyway, that was totally necessary. Regardless of whether or not it made any sense at all. Thanks for reading.

“..but I’m warning you, we’re growing up.”

Rough times arouse the search for the right ways.

It’s Super Bowl Sunday; something that means close to nothing in this house, but seems to have taken hold of what feels like the rest of the world. People are organizing parties, spending time with people they love, uniting for a common interest. Though I’ll never fully understand, and aside from the binge drinking and eating that go along with it, it’s a really wonderful thing to gather your closest and dearest friends and family under one roof.

Glass half empty here, but it is really too bad we only do things like that on occasions so trivial.

Time is meant to be spent with the people who make you whole; who better your heart and soul, make you laugh, listen to you, and most of all, love you.

It sounds contradictory; but as a writer, how effective would I be if I didn’t counter myself a bit? It’s also really important to learn to better your own soul, learn how to make yourself laugh, listen to your heart, and really, truly, from the depths of your being, love yourself. How can we possibly enjoy and appreciate wonderful people, animals, the moon, the sky, and the earth beneath our feet, if we can’t even love ourselves?

It seems we get to a point where we feel we have it all figured out. We feel centered and grounded. We do what makes us feel good. We take care of our bodies, and are grateful for them allowing us to be in the beautiful presence of all the wonders in this world. Then there are times when you can’t seem to identify yourself. Your face seems unrecognizable in the mirror. Your wounds open up and you’ve forgotten how to let yourself feel them. And the only way to heal, is to acknowledge them. Even if it means they crash into you like waves on the shore, knocking you down over and over until you finally decide you’ve had enough. That my friends, is where change comes from.

The path of self discovery and peace within ourselves is never ending. But wouldn’t it be nice, and by nice I mean easy, if we never let it slip out of our hands so far that it feels impossible to ever grasp again? And that’s where we start over; old habits, old ways of speaking and thinking to ourselves and others, old, debilitating, and self destructive ways that have lead us astray so many times. It collectively feels like the end of a soul searching, beautiful hold on our lives, and the beginning of the very same thing.

We’re not perfect. We are perfectly flawed in so many ways. We make mistakes. We say and do the wrong things for the wrong reasons. It is so easy to sit and bite our nails, tap our feet, twirl our hair, and wallow in our mistakes. They eat us alive. If only we could truly realize that all of the things we feel we are doing wrong, are leading us to the best versions of ourselves..again.

If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you. Be patient and kind with yourself and the people around you. We are all trying to mold into our best self. And remember, if you feel like you have messed up, fallen off your path, said the wrong thing, and you are deeply feeling because of it, you’re half way to being you again. If we didn’t know we were wrong, we would never change. We are perfectly human; beautiful, smart, funny, and loving. It’s our nature to be this way. We slip, but we always get back up.

“Every day presents a new opportunity to grow and press forward to your success. Stay the course believing that where you are right now doesn’t matter, as long as you are moving in the right direction.”

-Germany Kent

Expect Nothing, Appreciate Everything.

I’m simply writing to write; Organize my thoughts in a fashion that probably won’t make any sense to anyone else, but the goal is to outwardly express the inner peace within my soul I’ve been longing for.

I have to remind myself in these times how much love surrounds me; how much happiness there is in the world, despite how terrible it can be. I need to relish in the fact that not all is lost amongst the turmoil that seems to encompass my life. It’s important for me to remind myself that “Bree” is still there. Her heart is still pure, she’s forgiven herself and others, her love is real, her wish for well being for others hasn’t diminished even slightly.

I’ve made mistakes, people have hurt me, the world has broken my heart. I’ve spent far too many days feeling just that; broken.

It’s not until we find a serene place to center ourselves, find people who care about us and share the same goals and love for the same things, find where we feel who we truly are. Whether it’s a quiet room alone, a yoga studio, or dinner with a friend who makes you laugh until your belly hurts, so much so that it reminds you that you’re still human. You CAN feel, even after numbing yourself for so long.

I’m usually a very factual person; I want to know why, when, how, what. It’s not until recently that I’ve learned there’s no rhyme or reason to everything. Some things, sure. But EVERYTHING, Bree? Come on.

I have opened my heart and begun to listen. Not just to people, music, books, or television. Although I do enjoy those things very much. I’ve begun to turn in. Not in the sense of shutting down but truly listening. Listening to my soul, my yoga instructors, my friends, my family, the universe.

Not everything makes sense. And only now am I beginning to realize it’s because things just don’t need to have a reason to be wonderful, horrible, or completely neutral. Some things just are. I have always despised the phrase “everything happens for a reason” but as I become aware of my own being, my own soul, my own person as a whole; that they truly do.

I was dealt the hand I was because someone or something believed I could handle it. That I’m strong enough to make it. At times I have wished whatever power, angel, god, I really don’t know, didn’t have so much faith in me. It wasn’t until I was finally quiet that I realized I’m not a victim. I’m not weak. I’m not incapable of handling trials and tribulations that seem to be flying at me like gunfire. Am I sensitive, scared, and overwhelmed? You bet I am.

I just have to trust that I’m here for a reason, that my life has been turned upside down right now to help me truly value when it’s back on its axis spinning in it’s effortless balance.

Nothing is permanent; we are forever changing, and so are the people, environments, and powers that make up our lives. It so difficult to realize when we’re in the throes of what seems entirely impossible to handle. But we always make it. And if we don’t, isn’t it worth knowing we have challenged it with love, grace, and peace and with everything we have without faltering from our true selves? The self that can’t be defined by someone else’s actions. Though the saying isn’t nearly as whimsical and sweet as I’d like, I’m coming up short as far as another; but rolling with the punches is our only choice.

The most important piece to remember is we don’t have to do it alone. No matter what, there’s always a power, a person, or even our very own souls that want to see us soar and live the life we so deeply deserve.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. You owe it to yourself and the people who love and need you. Always remember to gently release what no longer serves and nourishes your heart and soul. You deserve great things, we all do. Above all, we deserve self love. ❤️

That Wasn’t Me.

I swear she sang me through my darkest days; the ones I never thought I’d make it through. This song in particular though, this is the one that will always stand out. A sincere apology to anyone I hurt, and an acceptance and an apology to myself; that it just wasn’t me. It brings me to tears every time. Surely a song I’ll hold dear for the rest of my life. I can still feel the warm Washington wind on my face and the tears rolling down my cheeks when I heard her sing this live for the first time. Such a pivotal moment in my life that I can relive every time I hear it. It’s amazing what music or any art form for that matter can do to a person; how it gracefully sweeps in when you need it most, and the mark it leaves forever.

“Did I go on a tangent?

Did I lie through my teeth?

Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?

Did I bring shame on my family?

Did it show when I was weak?

Whatever you’ve seen, that wasn’t me

That wasn’t me, oh that wasn’t me.”

https://youtu.be/cNmo8I4dEQE

Prana

Disclaimer: I haven’t written in a while so I apologize.

Today was busy, but no busier than any other day. I took the twins for a walk with our dear friends, took a LONG drive home so naps were even an option, then played outside until we all crashed.

We all slept until about 5, a good half hour after my husband gets home and he decided we should probably get up (he was right, but don’t tell him that). I had planned all day to go to Yin Yoga; a meditative yoga class I regularly attend, but hadn’t in a couple of weeks. I thought “I don’t have to go, we can go for a walk, that will clear my mind enough”. But just as soon as I thought that, I knew how much my mind, body and soul needed the serene atmosphere, the soft voice of my instructor continually helping guide me back to my place of stillness, and just the time to be myself. So I gathered my things and set off. I left way too early, but it ended up giving me enough time to center and ground myself before the class began.

I’ve had moments when a meditation or restorative class has benefited me immensely and other days I’ve left just wishing I could have turned my mind off for just THAT hour.

Tonight was different; I was able to fully envelop myself in the peace that I so longed for. Again, even just an hour.

My instructor used a word tonight; I mean, I like words. So learning more about Reiki and Chakras and the terms used within the practice enhances my experience. The word she used was “Prana”. I remember thinking I’ve heard it before but never really knew what it meant until tonight. I was able to drive home and really reflect on how simple a word and its definition can be and still be so powerful.

I googled it the minute I came home and as I expected I found words like “life force” and “energy”. What I took away from it, was the shift in energy within. A change you can feel once you’re fully submerged in the moment. It’s amazing how infrequently we feel this. We should be feeling this all the time. There is absolutely nothing like being connected; mind, body, and soul and shifting all the negative, frustrated and overwhelmed energy, to just freedom. Freedom of the mind, freedom of pain, freedom from worry. That energy can so easily, if we take the time, change from overwhelming and stressful to serene. We just need to be still. Even for just a few moments.

As my instructor says every class “the present moment is the only place that life exists”.

 

A somber morning.

I am not sure what brings me here so much lately; perhaps it is the longing for a real friendship, one without boundaries. A friend who will snuggle up with you and just be there without needing to say a single word. I long for the two sweet souls I never got to meet or tell them how deeply loved and wanted they were. I somehow how have to accept that they were with me and only me, and felt nothing but warmth and love even if it was only for a short time. I long to make my children happy and seem to fail miserably every day.

I understand that life throws us things and we are supposed to be standing up and throwing things right back. Some days our arms feel like they weigh so much we couldn’t possibly. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on our shoulders and we feel we could collapse at any moment. 

I long for the people who make me laugh so hard I cry, I long for my family, I long for myself. 

Alone is a scary place to be. You can be surrounded by people and feel as though no one can see or hear you. Even if you are screaming at the top of your lungs. It has got to be the loneliest feeling in the entire world. 

And when we are here, what can be done? We could read, we could sing, we could cry, we could pretend everything is okay. But it’s not. This is what it is, and where do we go from here?

Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

It’s March 4, 2017 9:52am. It’s an unimaginably cold morning. My sweet babies, who have been cursed with yet another winter plague are snoozing away in their cribs, and Matt is out running errands.

I’m sitting on the couch trying get comfortable, which seems completely impossible because of this fever I’ve been clobbered by this morning. 

I’m alone; a time that is so necessary, but can sometimes be the most frightening, anxiety provoking, just overall sad place. Not always, but I can feel myself heading there. Just hoping someone will wake up or come home.

Anyway, I’m doing what most people do when they’re bored and alone. The most monotonous, useless, complete waste of time; Facebook. 

I hate it, but I can’t look away. I keep scrolling and I can feel that pit in my stomach growing so big I can almost feel it in my throat.

I’m seeing engagements, births, happy couples, trips to some of the most beautiful places on earth. And here I sit, alone, scrolling through a device that has only monetary value, and the ability to completely demolish my heart and soul. 

I sit here and see those posts and I think to myself how lucky they are; how lucky that they’re so happy, how lucky they are to announce a pregnancy, how just so perfectly lucky they are. And I start to sink. Most of me wishes I could be even remotely that lucky. The rest knows deep down, I mean so deep it scares me I won’t find it, that I’m lucky too. 

I see baby bumps; ones that would about match the size of mine if I hadn’t lost my miracle almost a month ago. Those posts rip the bandaid off and I find myself hurting so badly and praying for it to stop, once again. 

I see mothers who could rule the world and still be the best mom under the sun. And some days I feel I’ll never be half the mother they are. 

I see active people with muscles I used to have. I see hikers, skiers, and runners all getting out and doing what they love. And again, I’m here. Sitting alone. Just existing. 

But I continuously, and I mean all. the. time. need to close social media and remind myself that just because my track record (other than my beautiful miracles I am thankful for every day) I will likely never bring another child into this world, with a healthy, problem free, active pregnancy, or even at all. I try to remind myself that it doesn’t make me any less of a woman. 

I need to remind myself that Facebook doesn’t show the tears and sleepless nights every mother has. I need to remember that to Sidney and Eliza, I am Mama, and I am enough.

I need to also keep in mind I AM active. I can run, jump, lift, row, bike, and more. Not today, not yesterday, or even the day before that, because of working to help support my family, being a mother, and more. I go and give it my all when I can, and that’s okay. 

We are so hard on ourselves; we let everyone else’s social media highlight reel fool us into thinking their lives are perfect and ours are far less than. 

Our lives are our lives; our lives are the people we make smile during the day, the jokes we make, the joy we offer, the smiles, the tears, the laughter, and the love. 

Do yourself a favor, and I am too; turn off the phone and live your life. It’s not perfect but it’s no less than the person whose post made you feel inferior. We need to detox from social media and live in “real life”. There is so much for us to appreciate, and we can’t when we are being blinded by words and pictures on our screens. 

We are people; important, loved, smart, funny, and we are not less than. We are us. 

This was mostly just my mind wandering, but if it can help even one other person, I’m glad I rambled. 

“You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” -Kathryn Stockett